Monday, October 5, 2009
Already Here - Brian Courtney Wilson
This is probably my favorite contemporary gospel song right now. Whenever I think about teaching a Christian yoga class (umm, that would require me getting myself back into a yoga class at some point...lol), I think of this song. Its so soothing.
making room
making room
i am slowly
letting go of
the people
places
things
i was holding on to
so that when you come
my hands are free
to hold yours
so that my heart
is a tranquil, open space
so that you can walk into my life
without tripping over
bones
scattered
and dreams shattered
i am putting them to rest now
letting what’s dead pass away
so that the living can come forth
so that I can breathe
and taste you
like sudden water
where everything was withered and dry
or honey
to make me remember
sweet
I am slowly, surely
letting go
throwing away
casting aside
discarding
clearing out
surrendering
all barriers that could stand between us
i mean,
i want us to be comfortable
so
i am making room
i am slowly
letting go of
the people
places
things
i was holding on to
so that when you come
my hands are free
to hold yours
so that my heart
is a tranquil, open space
so that you can walk into my life
without tripping over
bones
scattered
and dreams shattered
i am putting them to rest now
letting what’s dead pass away
so that the living can come forth
so that I can breathe
and taste you
like sudden water
where everything was withered and dry
or honey
to make me remember
sweet
I am slowly, surely
letting go
throwing away
casting aside
discarding
clearing out
surrendering
all barriers that could stand between us
i mean,
i want us to be comfortable
so
i am making room
Praise Reports
I just took a moment to read over some of my past posts (as there aren't that many of them, shame shame!!!) and I realized that there have been positive developments on some situations that I have mentioned before.
Remember that co-worker that once irked me like nobody's business? Well, we are still not fast friends, but our relationship is remarkably different than it was earlier in the year. PRAYER WORKS. It is not me. I would like to say that I am forgiving, peace-loving, not easily offended, etc. etc. - but I struggle with holding grudges and flying off the handle at the slightest provocation. You might not catch me cursing or choking folk out, but Lord knows what's in my mind and heart sometimes. Anyhoo, basically after Dr. Weems' sermon, I really began praying for compassion and understanding, both which eventually came. Does he still make off-handed comments? Does he still seek me for "the black perspective"? Does he still come off as condescending? Yes, yes and yes. However, its MY response to him that is different. If I feel he is baiting me, I seek understanding, rather than assume his motivation. Granted, there are days when its harder than others, but those are days when I ask for grace to be able to show grace.
Its worth noting that he is one of the only coworkers I told about the Saartjie Project appearing in the Capital Fringe Festival that actually came to one of our shows. Imagine my shock at his embrace and words of encouragement afterwards! It happened to be the same night that my mom saw the show for the first time and she was beaming with pride (another miracle, as I was really worried what she would think).
I also wrote about looking for a church home and while I still have not found one, I am actively searching instead of just regularly visiting ("dating") other folks' churches or not going to one at all. This past Sunday, I went to Zion Baptist Church and really enjoyed the service. I am not sure if its for me, but I am excited about the possibility of being "churched". My friend who told me about the church heads up the missions ministry and they are currently focussing on domestic violence. I am open to learning more.
I am just really thankful, reflecting back. Its easy to get caught up with dissatisfaction with your current situation instead of thinking about how far you have come, how far God has brought you. I was in church last Thursday (my friend/favorite co-worker, Darryl was preaching his second sermon) and while the pastor was praying about speaking about deliverance, he said something like "you don't even talk the way you used to talk" and I recalled how an ex and I would have really inappropriate after hours conversations over the phone. I would engage in them and feel so guilty afterwards. I prayed over that situation, thinking I would never be able to stop that behavior. Eventually, I was convicted to have an honest talk with my ex about the nature of our conversations and friendship. As a result, this person is no longer a part of my life. While there are times that I miss him, I do not miss the guilt or disrespect I was allowing myself to endure and contributing to.
I am thankful that the sadness of another relationship ending has finally dissipated. I mentioned this person in the post about doing the spiritual art journaling at the Sacred Circles conference. He was the person I felt had awakened love in my heart, but was no longer with me. This year, a series of painful (to me)disappointments with this individual led me to cut off all ties to him. I thought that I would never stop feeling sad and angry about how we ended up, and what I believed to be blatant dishonesty on his part. Nevertheless, through time and prayer, I have been able to let those negative emotions and him go. I realize that he is not God's best for me (nor I for him) and I did not leave the situation empty-handed. There are many hard-earned (and learned) lessons have made me better, not bitter. Also, his absence leaves space for God's best to enter my life, when the time is right.
Another praise report is due for The Saartjie Project and all that we have been able to accomplish in the past year. As I stated above, we were chosen to perform in the Capital Fringe Festival and also traveled to Minnesota to be a part of the Theater of the Oppressed conference, and so much more is coming through the pipeline. I will be posting a promotional/informational clip, as well as a clip of us on the news - you can hear me faintly singing. Its beautiful to grow as a collective and as individual artists. Each of us has something creative and beautiful taking shape - its truly miraculous to see and experience.
THANK YOU LORD!
THANK YOU LORD!
THANK YOU LORD!
Remember that co-worker that once irked me like nobody's business? Well, we are still not fast friends, but our relationship is remarkably different than it was earlier in the year. PRAYER WORKS. It is not me. I would like to say that I am forgiving, peace-loving, not easily offended, etc. etc. - but I struggle with holding grudges and flying off the handle at the slightest provocation. You might not catch me cursing or choking folk out, but Lord knows what's in my mind and heart sometimes. Anyhoo, basically after Dr. Weems' sermon, I really began praying for compassion and understanding, both which eventually came. Does he still make off-handed comments? Does he still seek me for "the black perspective"? Does he still come off as condescending? Yes, yes and yes. However, its MY response to him that is different. If I feel he is baiting me, I seek understanding, rather than assume his motivation. Granted, there are days when its harder than others, but those are days when I ask for grace to be able to show grace.
Its worth noting that he is one of the only coworkers I told about the Saartjie Project appearing in the Capital Fringe Festival that actually came to one of our shows. Imagine my shock at his embrace and words of encouragement afterwards! It happened to be the same night that my mom saw the show for the first time and she was beaming with pride (another miracle, as I was really worried what she would think).
I also wrote about looking for a church home and while I still have not found one, I am actively searching instead of just regularly visiting ("dating") other folks' churches or not going to one at all. This past Sunday, I went to Zion Baptist Church and really enjoyed the service. I am not sure if its for me, but I am excited about the possibility of being "churched". My friend who told me about the church heads up the missions ministry and they are currently focussing on domestic violence. I am open to learning more.
I am just really thankful, reflecting back. Its easy to get caught up with dissatisfaction with your current situation instead of thinking about how far you have come, how far God has brought you. I was in church last Thursday (my friend/favorite co-worker, Darryl was preaching his second sermon) and while the pastor was praying about speaking about deliverance, he said something like "you don't even talk the way you used to talk" and I recalled how an ex and I would have really inappropriate after hours conversations over the phone. I would engage in them and feel so guilty afterwards. I prayed over that situation, thinking I would never be able to stop that behavior. Eventually, I was convicted to have an honest talk with my ex about the nature of our conversations and friendship. As a result, this person is no longer a part of my life. While there are times that I miss him, I do not miss the guilt or disrespect I was allowing myself to endure and contributing to.
I am thankful that the sadness of another relationship ending has finally dissipated. I mentioned this person in the post about doing the spiritual art journaling at the Sacred Circles conference. He was the person I felt had awakened love in my heart, but was no longer with me. This year, a series of painful (to me)disappointments with this individual led me to cut off all ties to him. I thought that I would never stop feeling sad and angry about how we ended up, and what I believed to be blatant dishonesty on his part. Nevertheless, through time and prayer, I have been able to let those negative emotions and him go. I realize that he is not God's best for me (nor I for him) and I did not leave the situation empty-handed. There are many hard-earned (and learned) lessons have made me better, not bitter. Also, his absence leaves space for God's best to enter my life, when the time is right.
Another praise report is due for The Saartjie Project and all that we have been able to accomplish in the past year. As I stated above, we were chosen to perform in the Capital Fringe Festival and also traveled to Minnesota to be a part of the Theater of the Oppressed conference, and so much more is coming through the pipeline. I will be posting a promotional/informational clip, as well as a clip of us on the news - you can hear me faintly singing. Its beautiful to grow as a collective and as individual artists. Each of us has something creative and beautiful taking shape - its truly miraculous to see and experience.
THANK YOU LORD!
THANK YOU LORD!
THANK YOU LORD!
Jesus Take the Wheel
So, its been awhile since I have taken the time to write. I could blame it on my spotty internet, I could blame it on busyness, etc. The fact remains that I have not updated this blog in some months now. My original intent was for this to be something I maintained regularly, but unfortunately that has not been the case. One of my worst habits is starting things and not finishing them. I am blessed with tons of ideas, but ideas are all they ever are, as they never materialize because before I can see one through, I am on to the next thing. I guess that's something to add to the prayer list - the fortitude and focus to complete things.
When I was growing up in church, there was a praise and worship song that I loved. It (coming from a bible verse) said "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it". He, of course, being God. I was struck by the idea that whatever God's purpose was for me (at that point in my life, unlike now, I didn't care what the purpose was) that he would actually plant the seed and watch it grow and blossom. If only I could be as patient as God.
Sometimes, I do myself a huge disservice and compare my life to those around me - friends, family members, and acquaintances who seem to "further along" or more actualized than I am. People who have careers, houses, and families - while I am still unsure of my right livelihood, rent an apartment, and remain single. I think one of the main difference between me and the people I measure myself against is not a matter of luck or good fortune, I think its because somewhere along the way, they chose a path (or accepted the path divinely chosen for them) and stuck to it.
I have never really had a "path". In college, I had no idea what I wanted to study. I knew that I liked writing, but I hated my school's English department, so I opted for journalism. I never wanted to be a journalist, regardless of how many career tests indicated that it would be a perfect fit. Somehow, I ended up interning...alot,all in the communications departments of many nonprofit organizations, most of which focused on women and children. Each placement taught me something new, but nothing that seemed to stick. I had no profound moment where I felt like "this is what I want to do with my life". So the search continued and continues now.
Actually, I am just beginning to enter a place of surrender. A state of praying for answers and finally making space and quiet time in my life in order to listen for them. The title and topic of yesterday's sermon was "Downtime", which basically talked about Psalms 23, and how God makes provision for us to rest so that we can commune (and communicate)with him. Perhaps this period of uncertainty is really a blessing in disguise. I have gotten so frustrated with where I am in virtually every area of my life, that I realize that trying to work in my strength is probably what's working against me. I am completely and totally dependent on God.
If I am honest, I can't complain really, as I have been afforded so many opportunities to try different things on for size. In a recent conversation, a guy I used to date reminded me that I have experimented with alot of my interests. Its true. Last year, I took classes in jewelry making and book arts at the Corcoran, only to find that I am not really into either of them. As a volunteer with YWDEP (Young Women's Drumming Empowerment Program), I have been able to serve, but also begin learning how to play the djembe - something that I really enjoy. All of these "trials" allow me to categorize things as hobbies or career options. My love of accessories had me thinking that I would develop a business making my own jewelry, but my disdain of blowtorches and acid quickly snapped me back into reality. Earlier this year, I took a bellydancing class and recently I completed a 12week Artist's Way group. My next challenge is to take a cooking class - to see if the culinary impulses I have had for as long as I can remember can actually translate into more than an ongoing curiousity. We'll see.
A friend suggested I reread Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist", which as I remember, focuses on the main character going on this journey to find a treasure that he had all along. I was just listening to Pastor John K. Jenkins of First Baptist of Glenarden on his broadcast about financial freedom. He spoke about being content in where you are knowing that God has given you everything you need. Another friend sent me an article from DailyOM basically said the same thing.
That probably is the case. I am thankful to God, for keeping me in the midst of my confusion, impatience, and doubt. Its so crazy how I can believe God to be the creator of everything (including me), yet not completely trusting how my life will unfold in his care. If I know anything, its that the definition of insanity is doing something over and over the exact same way and expecting a different outcome. So, this post is essentially my commitment to actually "letting go and letting God". Will share the results in praise reports to come.
Peace and blessings,
Nia
P.S.
Attached is "Yes" by the Shekinah Glory Ministry - a song which humbles me every time I hear it.
When I was growing up in church, there was a praise and worship song that I loved. It (coming from a bible verse) said "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it". He, of course, being God. I was struck by the idea that whatever God's purpose was for me (at that point in my life, unlike now, I didn't care what the purpose was) that he would actually plant the seed and watch it grow and blossom. If only I could be as patient as God.
Sometimes, I do myself a huge disservice and compare my life to those around me - friends, family members, and acquaintances who seem to "further along" or more actualized than I am. People who have careers, houses, and families - while I am still unsure of my right livelihood, rent an apartment, and remain single. I think one of the main difference between me and the people I measure myself against is not a matter of luck or good fortune, I think its because somewhere along the way, they chose a path (or accepted the path divinely chosen for them) and stuck to it.
I have never really had a "path". In college, I had no idea what I wanted to study. I knew that I liked writing, but I hated my school's English department, so I opted for journalism. I never wanted to be a journalist, regardless of how many career tests indicated that it would be a perfect fit. Somehow, I ended up interning...alot,all in the communications departments of many nonprofit organizations, most of which focused on women and children. Each placement taught me something new, but nothing that seemed to stick. I had no profound moment where I felt like "this is what I want to do with my life". So the search continued and continues now.
Actually, I am just beginning to enter a place of surrender. A state of praying for answers and finally making space and quiet time in my life in order to listen for them. The title and topic of yesterday's sermon was "Downtime", which basically talked about Psalms 23, and how God makes provision for us to rest so that we can commune (and communicate)with him. Perhaps this period of uncertainty is really a blessing in disguise. I have gotten so frustrated with where I am in virtually every area of my life, that I realize that trying to work in my strength is probably what's working against me. I am completely and totally dependent on God.
If I am honest, I can't complain really, as I have been afforded so many opportunities to try different things on for size. In a recent conversation, a guy I used to date reminded me that I have experimented with alot of my interests. Its true. Last year, I took classes in jewelry making and book arts at the Corcoran, only to find that I am not really into either of them. As a volunteer with YWDEP (Young Women's Drumming Empowerment Program), I have been able to serve, but also begin learning how to play the djembe - something that I really enjoy. All of these "trials" allow me to categorize things as hobbies or career options. My love of accessories had me thinking that I would develop a business making my own jewelry, but my disdain of blowtorches and acid quickly snapped me back into reality. Earlier this year, I took a bellydancing class and recently I completed a 12week Artist's Way group. My next challenge is to take a cooking class - to see if the culinary impulses I have had for as long as I can remember can actually translate into more than an ongoing curiousity. We'll see.
A friend suggested I reread Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist", which as I remember, focuses on the main character going on this journey to find a treasure that he had all along. I was just listening to Pastor John K. Jenkins of First Baptist of Glenarden on his broadcast about financial freedom. He spoke about being content in where you are knowing that God has given you everything you need. Another friend sent me an article from DailyOM basically said the same thing.
That probably is the case. I am thankful to God, for keeping me in the midst of my confusion, impatience, and doubt. Its so crazy how I can believe God to be the creator of everything (including me), yet not completely trusting how my life will unfold in his care. If I know anything, its that the definition of insanity is doing something over and over the exact same way and expecting a different outcome. So, this post is essentially my commitment to actually "letting go and letting God". Will share the results in praise reports to come.
Peace and blessings,
Nia
P.S.
Attached is "Yes" by the Shekinah Glory Ministry - a song which humbles me every time I hear it.
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